Monday, March 12, 2007

Refined by Wisconsinites, Perfected by us.


(1) There need not be an event for you to tailgate. Tailgating opening day in a Wal-Mart parking lot in November or eating lunch on lawn chairs in the driveway are both perfectly acceptable.

(2) A follow-up to rule #1 is that it is also perfectly fine to tailgate at an event which you have no intentions of attending, so long as the event is seen/heard through some sort of portable device, i.e. radio, television, cell etc.

(3) Red meat and sausage should be the only things that touch the grill. No fish, no chicken, and especially no veggie burgers. On special occasions, a rare exception can be made for vegetables on a kabob.

(4) Don't rush a good tailgate. Show up plenty early to get a good spot, and get the coals nice and white. You don't want to be running into the stadium 5 minutes before gametime with a half-frozen brat in your hand.

(5) Recreational activities are allowed and encouraged while waiting for the coals or meat to get ready, so long as you are playing the appropriate sport. Namely, this applies to those people who play catch with a football or frisbee at baseball games. Cornhole, frisbeer, and/or horseshoes are acceptable in large parties consisting of people under age 25 and intoxicated.

(6) It’s a good idea to make your vehicle distinguishable when tailgating in large groups (if it isn’t inherently noticeable already), just in case one of you has to shag down a ball or run to the bathroom. Flags and balloons usually work, or a tent for extra large groups.

(7) Those sweet trays you get at A&W that hook on your car window come in handy, so "acquiring" one is a good idea.

(8) Always share. You never know when you’ll forget lighter fluid or buns, so don't be a dick and say "no" if others ask to borrow or use something.

(9) Although double-dipping is considered faux-pas, you can certainly always double-tailgate, also known as “re-tailgating.” Leave the hot coals on the grill, place under or near your car, and when you get back after the game/event, you should have enough heat for two or three more pieces of meat.

(10) Home field advantage is not limited to the stands. Always ridicule opposing fans walking past you to the gate, particularly if they support an arch rival team, or they’re from Chicago.

(11) For the frequent tailgater, keeping a roll of paper toweling, tongs, and a lighter in your trunk or back seat at all times is helpful, as these are the 3 most forgotten things at a tailgate.

(12) Always bring extra on the way to the stadium/event. Cans of beer will conceal nicely in your hood, and it’s usually a long enough walk to the front gate that you can down a burger on the way.

(13) Despite President George W. Bush’s many embarrassing public speaking blunders, he did say one great thing in his 8 years in office: “If a food is good, put melted cheese on it and it’ll be even better.”

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